Silent cry for help

20.11.2019
I haven’t slept in three nights. I just roll around in the bed. And usually, I don’t even think about anything, my mind is blank. During the days I’m a total zombie, and can’t get anything done in school. Then I get frustrated because I get nothing done. Otherwise, I am just numb and beaten. I can’t get a grip of anything, and anything or anyone can’t get a grip of me. If someone would touch me, her hand would go straight through.
I thought that this would get easier. If I would even get something opened up when I am writing this. And would get something done, even if just a few sentences.

7.2.2020
I feel like I want to cry, all the time. It bothers me that I don’t know how to support my friends when they need it. I’d like to be a good friend like I used to be, but I just can’t. Trying to clear my own head is enough. Even though I haven’t got much clarity. I guess that’s why I decided to get help. The lines are unbelievable. I don’t know if it causes me anxiety, that others need help too, or does it bring me some kind of comfort.

3.3.2020
Food tastes bad, but I am not really hungry anyway. I tried to eat something in the morning, but it felt painful. After a long time, I had enough energy to meet my friends after school.
I have tried to talk to my mum, but it feels really difficult. My friends try their best to understand, but I really would want some outsider now. And I don’t wanna trouble my friends and family.

19.3.2020
We switched to remote learning, because of the COVID-19 situation. The idea that I am trapped inside these walls gives me anxiety. The transition between school and home has kept me sane. Now I don’t have it anymore.

14.7.2020
Sun is warming, the water is cooling. It has been a little bit easier. I have seen a lot of my friends, it has lifted my spirit. Actually, the darkness begins when I am alone. That’s why I have avoided that, being alone, as much as I can.

25.3.2021
Online course after online course. I wait and wait. I wait when covid will end, I wait for better days, freedom, and when I get to therapy. They talk about more restrictions, They talk about how students are having a hard time, they talk about how we just need to be strong, yada yada yada… How about something positive for a change?

The journal is fictional, but also a painfully realistic depiction of a young student’s everyday life during this time of the remote study. Urban Policy Program for the Student Unions of University of Applied Sciences in the Helsinki Metropolitan area: Low-threshold mental health services need to be increased, and the first treatment contact must be made within a month of seeking treatment. All under-29s and all university students must receive free psychotherapy if needed.

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